Category Archives: Public Diary

crazy?

“We are embedded in a biological world and related to the organisms around us” ~ Walter Gilbert

“I am just a dreamer, and you are just a dream” ~ Neil Young

“I was always ashamed to take, so I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.” ~ Anais Nin

They said I was crazy

for throwing away a certain future

in order to chase a silly dream

But, said I

I would rather have a wallet stuffed

with post-notes of scribbled poetry

to place into the palms of strangers

Than stacks of stiff bills

staring up at me (old, dead, white men)

As I die a fresh death every morning

sinking deeper into the center of my cubicle

They still call me crazy

I’m still more successful than I ever imagined i could be

I still scribble poetry

I don’t even own a wallet

and i breathe in new life when I wake up … whenever I want.

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Other Art

I baked a cake today, from scratch. And the first time in a very long time …

I created an orange bundt cake. It came out a wee bit heavier than I would have liked, but other than that it was perfect.

It made me happy in a way that I cannot explain. I prepared, I planned, I executed, and I cleaned up after … And I made a new thing.

It’s a very odd feeling, what I’m feeling right now. Like something is about to move in a very big way. I will do my best to explain how I feel.

I’m going to wait and do that tomorrow. Tonight, I really need good rest.
I hope there is love where you are.

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Last Friday 3/29/19

Life and Stuff. Happens

My car was totaled this morning before I fully got out of bed.
On the phone when I heard the bang and thenthe squealing tires.

Collision, propulsion, collision.
My car slammed into Eddie’s.
Both cars wrecks.

Missed and important meeting and an important lunch.

Friends uplifted and encouraged and She was there, her voice in my ear telling me all would be well, and She was glad I was okay.
And the anxiety faded.

I allowed it flow over, through, and past me.

And I held my meeting over the phone and it was good. Really good. Life changing opportunities and … well, tell you all about it in time. Just remember that I said “Overlook”.

And someone had a car to sell. Better (far better) than I expected … and at an amazing price. Dude is a friend so he’s going to allow me to go ahead and take possession and pay what and when i can. I simply need to come up with $2000. Which sounds daunting, I know, but … the universe is showing me to have faith in the gift and the ability. Somehow, everything is going to be okay.  I can make that by just busking for a month or two … the gift gives back.

I am physically okay. And it was proven to me today by the outpouring of care that I am surroundedby love.

Dismal lows and breathtaking highs. In less than 12 hours.
Life is hard and unfair … but it is good.
I am mightily blessed and I vow to keep on passing that blessing forward. No matter what.

Edited to add: This was not intended as a plea for financial assistance, You are all contributing to my journey and i am immensely grateful. I’m waiting for the Universe to move. With work, preferably. I have faith it will come.
Thank you.

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it’s just a car

Just a hunk of scrap metal now, really.

There’s an empty space in the street where my car used to be. A gift in a desperate time. Never gave me much trouble at all. Got me from here to there. I brought it with me from NC when my life changed.

One of the few ties I had, really.
A few minutes ago a man chained it up and drove it away. Forever.
Now there’s just an empty space. Except for some busted glass and plastic.

I guess I’ll get a little money from the insurance company.
And i have the memories of friends and lovers who rode with me on my adventures and quests.

And the ghost of the giant who used to drive it.

But right now all I see is the empty space.

Another loss in the tally-book.

It’s Dawn’s birthday, and there was snow there. I know that made her happy.

It’s just a car.
It’s just an empty space.

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Accident

My car was totaled this morning by a high driver who was texting and driving through my neighborhood. My car was parked in front of my house, no one was hurt, including the driver. My car was catapulted into my roommate’s car, which is also totaled.

I have more thoughts, but right now: that car was a gift in a real time of need. It was gifted to me by a dear friend. It had belonged to her husband, who had tragically died a few weeks prior. She gave it to me. She said that he would have wanted it to be that way.

A kind, super-generous soul gave me that car and it served me so very well. I had plans on buying a newer car and finding someone to give the current car to. Someone in need. Paying it forward.

That was crushed by a texting driver.
It could have been so much worse.

But I’m still pissed that I cannot give that gift.

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Not Gonna Lie

It’s been a very rough few weeks. The universe seemed to want me to experience some loss and a touch of despair … and while I handled it in healthy ways, it left me shaken and weary. Nothing is easy, but I’m beginning to think that’s just the way things are and i might as well set my jaw and keep moving forward.’

I broke ties with someone I once considered my best friend. I’ve known I needed to, and the people I confide in (including my therapist) have agreed that breaking up the friendship was the healthiest thing for both of us. Things have become toxic They have made no attempt at reconciliation, so I think we’ll simply say our paths move on from here in different directions. I have no doubt they will thrive and find success.

The deaths … well, I’m dealing with them. The holes cannot be filled, but death is a part of life, and my loved ones and friends lived well and made many people happy.

There have been beautiful bits too, and they outshine the darkness. A single candle, if you will. I went to the AZ Ren Fest, and spent some quality time with loved ones and friends. Played in the sunshine with someone special, and laughed freely.

I’m in love.
Yeah. I can tell you that. It’s been a slow, friendship based, mutual admiration for some time. It had grown and blossomed and … I find I have newfound passion and heartfelt love.
It’s impossible to deny the energy. If you are at all aware, you can sense it.
The kicker? She loves me back. She has love in her heart for exactly me.
All my flaws, darkness, scars, and all … she loves me.

And that’s amazing. I didn’t think I’d ever find this again.
But it is very much like the things I lost forever have come back to me.

Not an Icarus.
… more of a Lazarus.

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Sunday Blue

February 24, 2019

The performances at the Castle continue to be extraordinary. I made a new friend, got the opportunity to offer some comfort, and served as a resting pillow for a short period of time last night. I count these things as very positive perks. I do hope they continue. Thursday my best friend got to finally see me in my purest element. This was good, I think.

Facebook presented me with some pretty painful and pointed memories, today. While it brought me down for a short time, it’s solidified in me that I have made the right decisions.

I cannot imagine why I tolerated all the things that I did.

I stepped out of the fire escape and found that it was a beautiful, sunny California day. The sun is in the sky, it is a bright blue, and there are celebrities walking up and down my little street. I’m just about a block away from the theater where the Oscars will take place.

Tonight I get to make magic in my Castle home, again. My heart may be splintered, but it’s still mine.

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