An artist that I have admired for nearly 40 years is retiring. A poet, a fractured soul, a beautiful human being has recorded his last offerings. I heard the first of these today, and it brought me to my knees.
I’m going to share more about him later, but the heart that he has put into his work has saved my life several times, and has inspired me to make improvements in what I put forth.
And now he has moved me again. To keep pushing and to keep walking my path. I am still in tears from the beauty he showed me today.
Thank you, Fish.
Let’s get to it, shall we? In that I live this life out loud, with all my blemishes and scars showing, I feel I should make myself and my position clear:
Black Lives Matter.
I stand firmly as an ally, without my own agenda, asking the oppressed and the hurting how I can best serve them as an ally. I’m calling for an end to systematic racism and an end to police brutality against Black people. I will not be quiet, and I will not sit idle. Silence is complicity. Not taking a stand is standing with the oppressors. There must be change, and my own push is starting here and now.
Any birth or rebirth comes with pain. This won’t be easy and it won’t always be pretty. Hearts fundamentally must learn a new way. 400+ years of injustice must come to an end. I must help hasten that end.
Love is for everyone. Love is not a quantity that can be used up. We can stand under the universe and all marvel at the stars without diminishing anyone else’s joy. So, too, is it with love. Lending a hand (and a heart and a soul) to one group of people does not diminish the love and value of any other group.
Black Lives Matter.
More than property, more than ideology, more than power. I am lending my voice, my platform, my very privilege to help this cause. The trivialization and oppression of Black lives must cease. Police brutality towards Black lives must come to an end – right now. Right. Now.
I take this stance out of love, kindness, and basic human decency. I take this stance without hesitation or apology. Make no mistake: I’m mad. I plan to use that mad energy to stand in the gap.
Racism and Police Brutality are a pandemic whose time has come.
I hope there is love where you are.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
In a recent “Ask Hannibal Anything” on Facebook, I was asked: “what is the single greatest idea/movement/invention/concept/development in the history of magic as a performance art?”
I thought through the books, sleights, apparatus, trends, and concepts I have studied and immersed myself in. A world of wonderful creativity based on keeping it all secret. I processed through a lot of things, and finally came to the quiet conclusion.
The realization that the props, secrets, and moves are not the magic. The magic is the performer, the artist. The concept that Art is the act of taking your heart and shining lights on it.
The hands, heart, and soul are what create the magic moment. When I say ‘hands’ here, I’m talking about the physical, of course, but also the conceptual. My hands are not just the miraculous machines at the end of my arms. My hands are the dance that happens in connection with my audience. I reach out with my spirit, inviting them out into my world, and I carefully lead them through the wonders … we hold hands. We connect. It’s my way of expressing love to them.
Them … the attendees, the audience. The ones seeking perhaps merely distraction. I feed them, and hope my offering is accepted.
I put forth the poetry of my soul. I can do this with comedy, drama, rage … or anything. Magic is the vehicle for my art.
Magic is not the props. No matter how clever or pretty the apparatus is, the magic does not happen unless the performer believes it. What’s that? Believe in magic? Aren’t we just scoundrels and tricksters, fooling people and amazing them with our prowess and skill?
Perhaps … but I honestly believe in my magic, and I want to give them something deeper than mere tricks.
*If you would like to become a patron and help support this ongoing art experiment/ quest, please visit my Patreon page.
“We are embedded in a biological world and related to the organisms around us” ~ Walter Gilbert
“I am just a dreamer, and you are just a dream” ~ Neil Young
“I was always ashamed to take, so I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.” ~ Anais Nin
They said I was crazy
for throwing away a certain future
in order to chase a silly dream
But, said I
I would rather have a wallet stuffed
with post-notes of scribbled poetry
to place into the palms of strangers
Than stacks of stiff bills
staring up at me (old, dead, white men)
As I die a fresh death every morning
sinking deeper into the center of my cubicle
They still call me crazy
I’m still more successful than I ever imagined i could be
I still scribble poetry
I don’t even own a wallet
and i breathe in new life when I wake up … whenever I want.
I baked a cake today, from scratch. And the first time in a very long time …
I created an orange bundt cake. It came out a wee bit heavier than I would have liked, but other than that it was perfect.
It made me happy in a way that I cannot explain. I prepared, I planned, I executed, and I cleaned up after … And I made a new thing.
It’s a very odd feeling, what I’m feeling right now. Like something is about to move in a very big way. I will do my best to explain how I feel.
I’m going to wait and do that tomorrow. Tonight, I really need good rest.
I hope there is love where you are.
Life and Stuff. Happens
My car was totaled this morning before I fully got out of bed.
On the phone when I heard the bang and thenthe squealing tires.
Collision, propulsion, collision.
My car slammed into Eddie’s.
Both cars wrecks.
Missed and important meeting and an important lunch.
Friends uplifted and encouraged and She was there, her voice in my ear telling me all would be well, and She was glad I was okay.
And the anxiety faded.
I allowed it flow over, through, and past me.
And I held my meeting over the phone and it was good. Really good. Life changing opportunities and … well, tell you all about it in time. Just remember that I said “Overlook”.
And someone had a car to sell. Better (far better) than I expected … and at an amazing price. Dude is a friend so he’s going to allow me to go ahead and take possession and pay what and when i can. I simply need to come up with $2000. Which sounds daunting, I know, but … the universe is showing me to have faith in the gift and the ability. Somehow, everything is going to be okay. I can make that by just busking for a month or two … the gift gives back.
I am physically okay. And it was proven to me today by the outpouring of care that I am surroundedby love.
Dismal lows and breathtaking highs. In less than 12 hours.
Life is hard and unfair … but it is good.
I am mightily blessed and I vow to keep on passing that blessing forward. No matter what.
Edited to add: This was not intended as a plea for financial assistance, You are all contributing to my journey and i am immensely grateful. I’m waiting for the Universe to move. With work, preferably. I have faith it will come.
Just a hunk of scrap metal now, really.
There’s an empty space in the street where my car used to be. A gift in a desperate time. Never gave me much trouble at all. Got me from here to there. I brought it with me from NC when my life changed.
One of the few ties I had, really.
A few minutes ago a man chained it up and drove it away. Forever.
Now there’s just an empty space. Except for some busted glass and plastic.
I guess I’ll get a little money from the insurance company.
And i have the memories of friends and lovers who rode with me on my adventures and quests.
And the ghost of the giant who used to drive it.
But right now all I see is the empty space.
Another loss in the tally-book.
It’s Dawn’s birthday, and there was snow there. I know that made her happy.
It’s just a car.
It’s just an empty space.
My car was totaled this morning by a high driver who was texting and driving through my neighborhood. My car was parked in front of my house, no one was hurt, including the driver. My car was catapulted into my roommate’s car, which is also totaled.
I have more thoughts, but right now: that car was a gift in a real time of need. It was gifted to me by a dear friend. It had belonged to her husband, who had tragically died a few weeks prior. She gave it to me. She said that he would have wanted it to be that way.
A kind, super-generous soul gave me that car and it served me so very well. I had plans on buying a newer car and finding someone to give the current car to. Someone in need. Paying it forward.
That was crushed by a texting driver.
It could have been so much worse.
But I’m still pissed that I cannot give that gift.
It’s been a very rough few weeks. The universe seemed to want me to experience some loss and a touch of despair … and while I handled it in healthy ways, it left me shaken and weary. Nothing is easy, but I’m beginning to think that’s just the way things are and i might as well set my jaw and keep moving forward.’
I broke ties with someone I once considered my best friend. I’ve known I needed to, and the people I confide in (including my therapist) have agreed that breaking up the friendship was the healthiest thing for both of us. Things have become toxic They have made no attempt at reconciliation, so I think we’ll simply say our paths move on from here in different directions. I have no doubt they will thrive and find success.
The deaths … well, I’m dealing with them. The holes cannot be filled, but death is a part of life, and my loved ones and friends lived well and made many people happy.
There have been beautiful bits too, and they outshine the darkness. A single candle, if you will. I went to the AZ Ren Fest, and spent some quality time with loved ones and friends. Played in the sunshine with someone special, and laughed freely.
I’m in love.
Yeah. I can tell you that. It’s been a slow, friendship based, mutual admiration for some time. It had grown and blossomed and … I find I have newfound passion and heartfelt love.
It’s impossible to deny the energy. If you are at all aware, you can sense it.
The kicker? She loves me back. She has love in her heart for exactly me.
All my flaws, darkness, scars, and all … she loves me.
And that’s amazing. I didn’t think I’d ever find this again.
But it is very much like the things I lost forever have come back to me.
Not an Icarus.
… more of a Lazarus.