I baked a cake today, from scratch. And the first time in a very long time …
I created an orange bundt cake. It came out a wee bit heavier than I would have liked, but other than that it was perfect.
It made me happy in a way that I cannot explain. I prepared, I planned, I executed, and I cleaned up after … And I made a new thing.
It’s a very odd feeling, what I’m feeling right now. Like something is about to move in a very big way. I will do my best to explain how I feel.
I’m going to wait and do that tomorrow. Tonight, I really need good rest.
I hope there is love where you are.
Life and Stuff. Happens
My car was totaled this morning before I fully got out of bed.
On the phone when I heard the bang and thenthe squealing tires.
Collision, propulsion, collision.
My car slammed into Eddie’s.
Both cars wrecks.
Missed and important meeting and an important lunch.
Friends uplifted and encouraged and She was there, her voice in my ear telling me all would be well, and She was glad I was okay.
And the anxiety faded.
I allowed it flow over, through, and past me.
And I held my meeting over the phone and it was good. Really good. Life changing opportunities and … well, tell you all about it in time. Just remember that I said “Overlook”.
And someone had a car to sell. Better (far better) than I expected … and at an amazing price. Dude is a friend so he’s going to allow me to go ahead and take possession and pay what and when i can. I simply need to come up with $2000. Which sounds daunting, I know, but … the universe is showing me to have faith in the gift and the ability. Somehow, everything is going to be okay. I can make that by just busking for a month or two … the gift gives back.
I am physically okay. And it was proven to me today by the outpouring of care that I am surroundedby love.
Dismal lows and breathtaking highs. In less than 12 hours.
Life is hard and unfair … but it is good.
I am mightily blessed and I vow to keep on passing that blessing forward. No matter what.
Edited to add: This was not intended as a plea for financial assistance, You are all contributing to my journey and i am immensely grateful. I’m waiting for the Universe to move. With work, preferably. I have faith it will come.
Just a hunk of scrap metal now, really.
There’s an empty space in the street where my car used to be. A gift in a desperate time. Never gave me much trouble at all. Got me from here to there. I brought it with me from NC when my life changed.
One of the few ties I had, really.
A few minutes ago a man chained it up and drove it away. Forever.
Now there’s just an empty space. Except for some busted glass and plastic.
I guess I’ll get a little money from the insurance company.
And i have the memories of friends and lovers who rode with me on my adventures and quests.
And the ghost of the giant who used to drive it.
But right now all I see is the empty space.
Another loss in the tally-book.
It’s Dawn’s birthday, and there was snow there. I know that made her happy.
It’s just a car.
It’s just an empty space.
My car was totaled this morning by a high driver who was texting and driving through my neighborhood. My car was parked in front of my house, no one was hurt, including the driver. My car was catapulted into my roommate’s car, which is also totaled.
I have more thoughts, but right now: that car was a gift in a real time of need. It was gifted to me by a dear friend. It had belonged to her husband, who had tragically died a few weeks prior. She gave it to me. She said that he would have wanted it to be that way.
A kind, super-generous soul gave me that car and it served me so very well. I had plans on buying a newer car and finding someone to give the current car to. Someone in need. Paying it forward.
That was crushed by a texting driver.
It could have been so much worse.
But I’m still pissed that I cannot give that gift.
It’s been a very rough few weeks. The universe seemed to want me to experience some loss and a touch of despair … and while I handled it in healthy ways, it left me shaken and weary. Nothing is easy, but I’m beginning to think that’s just the way things are and i might as well set my jaw and keep moving forward.’
I broke ties with someone I once considered my best friend. I’ve known I needed to, and the people I confide in (including my therapist) have agreed that breaking up the friendship was the healthiest thing for both of us. Things have become toxic They have made no attempt at reconciliation, so I think we’ll simply say our paths move on from here in different directions. I have no doubt they will thrive and find success.
The deaths … well, I’m dealing with them. The holes cannot be filled, but death is a part of life, and my loved ones and friends lived well and made many people happy.
There have been beautiful bits too, and they outshine the darkness. A single candle, if you will. I went to the AZ Ren Fest, and spent some quality time with loved ones and friends. Played in the sunshine with someone special, and laughed freely.
I’m in love.
Yeah. I can tell you that. It’s been a slow, friendship based, mutual admiration for some time. It had grown and blossomed and … I find I have newfound passion and heartfelt love.
It’s impossible to deny the energy. If you are at all aware, you can sense it.
The kicker? She loves me back. She has love in her heart for exactly me.
All my flaws, darkness, scars, and all … she loves me.
And that’s amazing. I didn’t think I’d ever find this again.
But it is very much like the things I lost forever have come back to me.
Not an Icarus.
… more of a Lazarus.
I feel myself worthy, I’m full of confidence I know exactly who I am. Onstage.
On stage I make people smile, I lift their spirits, I show them miracles. On stage we are one, and they believe in me.
Off-stage, not so much. I’m still the 10 year old who does not get picked. The last kid, awkwardly standing alone while cool kids choose someone else, because I just don’t measure up. I’m not quite good enough. Off stage.
It’s lonely off stage. At the end of the day I am by myself, and left to comfort myself. I am quite aware that this is the life I set up for myself.
And perhaps that’s how it’s to be. I’ll use this time to make my time on stage a little bit better. I would have liked to have been chosen, I no longer expect it.
I still have the stage, and I’m still kinda important there.