Trying to find mine.

I got home tonight and stood … as I do … and searched the sky. Orion was on the horizon, with Betelgeuse and Rigel shining steadfast.

Someone asked me during the Q&A today if I had found a peaceful place like my back porch was at home, and I had to say no. I don’t have that meditative spot like I used to. Someone else asked if I have romantic love in my life, and I can’t answer that very simply. There’s a woman who cares about me very deeply (I don’t use names without permission, and we haven’t had that talk yet.) and there’s affection and caring … but (cliche incoming) it’s complicated. There are issues she needs to settle in her own world before she can comfortably explore mine. So we are separate.

I fill up my time with art and work and vital things. I try to not think of romance or physical affection. Self doubt in these areas grows. Am I worthy of that kind of love? Am I deserving?

I don’t know.

So I work, and that is taking a special kind of patience. I’m not complaining, I’m good at what I do and I greatly enjoy it. My art is very satisfying, and I lift hearts. The obstacles are few (though mighty) and I am building good faith and reputation among my community and future clients. Life is Magic.

But now it’s 2AM and I wish I had someone to tell about my day. Someone who would be interested and even eager to hear about it. Oh, of course I’ll tell you … and I really should attack these keys more often, but I mean a partner. A Lover. Someone to pour my heart and dreams into. I have someone in mind … and she loves me back, of this I have no doubts. But she needs to overcome obstacles for us to be even remotely together, so I’m giving her time and space to figure things out.

I’m breathing. I’ll keep doing that.

Looking for my center. Longing for my love.

1 Comment

Filed under Musings, Public Diary

One response to “Center

  1. Manuel Dornbusch

    There is gold in your text. So very much of your situation is different from mine and yet the same time so much is the same and just by looking what you describe and musing what i would describe, I think there is wisdom in that.
    We year, Even the most solitary human would not, if given choice and opportunity, not want a partner.
    Partnership, and that is not just cliche from self help books, is not a level you reach and then you own it. It is constant hard work. A relationship is complicated and requires attention. And each person enters with an own life that also is complicated.
    And so, by weaving two complicated things into a connection, we try to square a circle and here is where you find me: There is this through and through honest attempt to make something beautiful. I want to make an US.
    Your person, like mine, has issues to solve. She is hurt and seriously troubled by dangers from a terrible past. She is not in a mental place right now, where she can reach out or be reached for. But she knows I am there.
    Sometimes that comforts her. Sometimes it makes her furious. I do not mind. I provide a constant.

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