The thought of honor and what makes one honorable has been on my mind all day. A friend brought up the concept of honorable people living in a dishonorable world and … the seed was planted.
There’s lots to go over, and when I’m not exhausted and blogging from my phone in the parking lot of the Epicentre, I’d like to explore it more.
In brief, here’s the way I see myself in this (largely) dishonorable world:
I am not an honorable man. I’m not dishonorable, exactly, but honor and myself are not good friends. I’m self serving and gluttonous. I am prone to jealousy and anger; jealousy happens quickly and burns out over time, anger builds in me slowly and extinguishes without a trace within minutes. I didn’t fight hard enough to save my marriage. I didn’t fulfill the needs of my children, wasn’t there for them as much as i could have been. I was building this art … but these excuses are not the main reason I can’t declare honor.
If given the choice between honor and kindness: I’ll choose kindness. I’ll break rules to help someone in need. I’ll befriend sex workers, junkies, liars and thieves. I won’t put my pride before someone’s need. (I’ve done it in the past, and it sucks for everyone.)
I choose love and kindness over my honor. Yes, they aren’t mutually exclusive, but the fact is there will come a time when you must chose between doing the proper, accepted, morally comfortable thing and doing the kind, human thing.
I admire those that have found a balance and wear their honor like a badge. I’m glad you found your high ground and have made a home there. Sarcasm free, I totally do.
But I don’t want to be like you. I want to display compassion and genuine love for my fellow humans, no matter who they are, who they hang with and where they are from. No matter if it breaks the rules. (Full disclosure: I fail more often at this than I’d like, but it’s my primary drive.)
I want to be a bandit for kindness. A love ninja.
(Hoo-boy. Yeah, I’m tired. “Love Ninja”? Seriously?? Let me wrap this up.)
It IS a largely corrupt, dishonorable world. I want to embrace it with genuine, forgiving love and possibly change it a little.
I want to love them.
I want to be kind.
It’s my honor to do so.
More later. Much more.