Monthly Archives: June 2016

Mahogany

Heirloom, family table. Deep, polished wood with hints and sparks of red, if you looked deep enough. I lived through fifteen years of meals at that table and never once noticed a scratch in the surface, and the table was much older than me, even then.

The last time I saw it, I looked deep, seeing myself as in an earthen mirror. I wondered over how many reflections were trapped with its history. How many meals?

How  many secrets heard, how much grief calmed? How many arguments over dessert? How many make ups over coffee? There must be hours of confessions, weeks of love talk (please pass the juice, my dear) and years upon years of stories shared within this simple piece of beloved and faithfully polished furniture.

I don’t know the fate of the table. I hope it still serves a family, somewhere. I hope their own lives and stores are adding to its rich color and flavor.

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Filed under Musings, poetry

Kite

My best friend saw a dragon kite in a thrift store today. Texted me a picture and said: “I don’t know why this reminds me of you.”

I do … if you don’t mind me getting a little ‘woo’.

All my life – the simplicity and beauty of kites have fascinated me. In the same form as others love planes or birds … my flying machine of choice is a kite.

Emerald diamonds as pinpoints in the sky, over the ocean. My father’s hands: his engineer’s hands making them dance and dive, swoop and soar with the tiniest of movements. His feet planted in the sand, his beer in one hand and the string in the other. His grin dancing with his eyes, dancing with the kite. Good Lord, I haven’t thought of that in years.

The pull of the strings in my own hands. Bumblebees and mighty dragons and Asian box kites. Pulling my heart up into the sky. Soaring and leaving my trivial pain on the ground.

Putting the taught line into the hands of my own children. Long ago … really long ago. Running and lifting and enticing the stubborn kite to fly. Feeling the wind take it … my children meeting my boyhood heart up there, up there.

“Over the lights, under the moon.” ~ Kate Bush

Thank You for soothing my troubled heart for awhile. The kite found You, so You could unlock these memories.

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Filed under Musings, Public Diary

On Honor

The thought of honor and what makes one honorable has been on my mind all day. A friend brought up the concept of honorable people living in a dishonorable world and … the seed was planted.

There’s lots to go over, and when I’m not exhausted and blogging from my phone in the parking lot of the Epicentre, I’d like to explore it more.

In brief, here’s the way I see myself in this (largely) dishonorable world:

I am not an honorable man. I’m not dishonorable, exactly, but honor and myself are not good friends. I’m self serving and gluttonous. I am prone to jealousy and anger; jealousy happens quickly and burns out over time, anger builds in me slowly and extinguishes without a trace within minutes. I didn’t fight hard enough to save my marriage. I didn’t fulfill the needs of my children, wasn’t there for them as much as i could have been. I was building this art … but these excuses are not the main reason I can’t declare honor.

If given the choice between honor and kindness: I’ll choose kindness. I’ll break rules to help someone in need. I’ll befriend sex workers, junkies, liars and thieves. I won’t put my pride before someone’s need. (I’ve done it in the past, and it sucks for everyone.)
I choose love and kindness over my honor. Yes, they aren’t mutually exclusive, but the fact is there will come a time when you must chose between doing the proper, accepted, morally comfortable thing and doing the kind, human thing.

I admire those that have found a balance and wear their honor like a badge. I’m glad you found your high ground and have made a home there. Sarcasm free, I totally do.

But I don’t want to be like you. I want to display compassion and genuine love for my fellow humans, no matter who they are, who they hang with and where they are from. No matter if it breaks the rules. (Full disclosure: I fail more often at this than I’d like, but it’s my primary drive.)

I want to be a bandit for kindness. A love ninja.
(Hoo-boy. Yeah, I’m tired. “Love Ninja”? Seriously?? Let me wrap this up.)

It IS a largely corrupt, dishonorable world. I want to embrace it with genuine, forgiving love and possibly change it a little.
I want to love them.

I want to be kind.
It’s my honor to do so.

More later. Much more.

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Filed under Musings, Public Diary

A Little Time Out, Earlier

I’m going to sit here and cry for awhile, parked in the far corner of the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Not gasping, heart pounding, melodramatic sobs, but the throat clenching, quiet tears. I’m told that’s okay … it’s normal, and cleansing. Let the pain hurt.

I went to the grocer’s for my weekly fridge fillers. Working on more vegetables and fruits. Single person meals. Less eating out, more doing for myself. Except … when I’m out I get to see other people. There’s always the gym; I could visit there more often.

I’m walking the aisles and keeping track of money, which is tight because of the slow season and so many things needing attention, and I get triggered. Something just … reminded me of us, doing the weekly shopping. Nostalgia and loss built up … and the overwhelming unfairness of it all.

So I’m parked in the back corner of the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I’m going to sit here and cry for awhile.

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Filed under Public Diary