I’ve Got a Blank Space

The Naked Truth
September 11, 2015
UpStage, Charlotte. NC

Part three

The Naked Truth
I stood in my bare feet, facing the crowd. They were with me, and behind my message. I placed a handful of colored markers and a couple of bar towels on the table. Here’s what I told them:

“All of us are carrying baggage. Some of it is light and some … are crushingly heavy. We have problems with our self image. Sometime, somewhere in our past, someone gave us a burden. Maybe we were made to feel stupid, or less than acceptable. For me, specifically, it’s two things: My body image and crowds. I’ve been made to feel self conscious of my size for years. And as for crowds, I can’t stand to be in the midst of a group. I can entertain thousands from a stage, I can have a great time with four or five friends in a group. More than that? I get anxious, edgy. I get quiet and remove myself. I always feel like the fifth wheel or the dumbest person in the room. Tonight I’m going to embrace both of those burdens for you. I’m going to remove my clothes and invite you all to come close.

But there’s more: I want you to think of your own burden, reduce it to one word or phrase. One word that sums up your fear, your frustration, your self deprecation. Choose a marker and write that word on my skin. Dry me with a towel first, if you need to. Write the word and agree to leave that burden with me for a short time. Don’t take it back with you. Let me carry it for a day or two. I can’t take it forever, but I can bear it for a few days.”

I played “Neverland” by Marillion during the final part.

I stripped down. Nervous and shaking. I could barely breathe. I was suddenly cold and embarrassed. The crowd … all stood and moved at once forward onto the stage. They took their pens and wrote on me. All over me. Moving my limbs and turning me slightly to reach. The audience, the bartenders, the servers … all joined in. Someone was in my face, writing on my forehead. They used the towels. They wrote. They cried, a few of them.

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It took roughly ten minutes. After about four, I had to close my eyes, because I was beginning to feel panic. I could still feel the hands on me, I could feel the claustrophobic press of the people. I felt the shame in my nudity. I was acutely aware of my flab and girth and … and more importantly I could feel them writing. I could feel, literally feel my body growing heavier as they unloaded their shames and pains onto me. So I stood. I didn’t run off the stage. The last author was my own son. He took a marker, put an x on my right nipple and wrote a word I couldn’t see on my belly.

I stood as everyone left the stage. I stood as they started clapping. I stood (dizzy) on my feet and absorbed the weights. I reached out for River and sky and we took our curtain call.  That was the end of the show, but there’s lots more that happened that night and in the days following. The story continues soon. Writing about how this makes me feel is far harder than I thought. I’m going to wrap it up in the next chapter, which I’m starting immediately. Please … I want to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment, positive or otherwise. Let me know what you’re thinking or feeling right now.

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6 Comments

Filed under Public Diary

6 responses to “I’ve Got a Blank Space

  1. Brave. That’s how I see you. I understand that panic. I understand that anxiety, that body image of “I’m not good enough”, not good enough for…fill in the blank. I see you as a warrior. Facing his own demons. And even though the battles are difficult, and you can’t see it, you’re winning the war…

    …at least, that’s what it looks like from my angle…

  2. La

    I wrote trust across your heart. It’s hard for me to continue to trust my own. Harder every day. Your fearlessness gives me hope. Say what you will about where you were, for me you were transcendent. We were everywhere and okay with that. Even if only for 5 minutes.

    All,
    La

  3. Rachel

    This was absolutely beautiful and selfless and kind and I am just speechless…thank you for being you. Besos y abrazos.

  4. Mandy Eudy

    I think what you did, in the moment, in the heart, in the intention, in the expression, was extremely beautiful in a way that is uncommon and not well summed up in that word alone. I was unable to attend, but wanted to and prayed for you, for all of you and the whole show, but especially for you and this moment. I had researched and listened to interviews about what you did during this opprotunity because the invitations and ads about it peeked my curiosity and something pricked my heart. It is difficult for me to find the right words to express the purity, complicated-simplicity, gentleness, sweet humility, vunerable humanity, heart-warming ………….. I am simply in awe of the idea, action, bravery, strength, and compassion you are and you display. With so much negativity, fear, anger, selfishness, and apathy in our society your gift to those present (and those of us present from a distance) is hope, a light in the darkness, a commonality with our fellow man and a moment of relief. I have heard and saw how some attack you for what you do on a day to day basis, claiming it is evil. I am not sure what books they are reading and how they are testing the messages they are coming across, but the books I read and the messages I have been able to test up to this point in my life lead me to feel a pity for those doing the condemning. What you do with the way you relate to your public and give of yourself is how I think we are supposed to be and love one another.

  5. and yet you cant take responsibility for the pain you caused your very self, to the people who loved you the most.
    yeah, you’re a real hero

  6. Pingback: First Act | The Truth Is ...

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