I’m sitting here, struggling to focus on work that needs to be done, but becoming more and more distracted and anxious.
So … I write.
One of the most horrifying things about living inside of this head is: self sabotage. There are things I know I can do to make myself and the people around me happy, and I watch myself defeating my own plans. I want to drive the people who love me away. Isolate myself. Not because I don’t love them, need them … I DO! I think of these things simply because sometimes my head tries to tell me I don’t deserve them, or (worse yet) that I should push them away because I deserve to be alone and uncared for.
Neither of these things is true, but that’s what I tell myself. Loudly. Repeatedly.
In fact, right now I’m under siege. I have plans. Awesome, soul saving, relationship building plans. I’m struggling really hard to not cancel, pick up a bag and drive somewhere alone, turn off my phone and become unreachable. I’m close to losing.
So … I breathe. And I struggle with my patience. I work on my art and I write. Writing in an effort to not sabotage myself and my loved ones again.
There’s more. There’s HOPE … and I want to write about that, too. And about the amazing emails I’ve been getting and the spectacular people in my life and the verifications and the love.
But sadly right now, I’m too distracted and anxious.
Bear with me? Forgive me?