Spectacular people in my life.
I met this beautiful couple years ago while working a Halloween party. We became instant friends and, later, they allowed me to perform for their guests at their wedding. The love and support they’ve shown me over the years has been immeasurable.
For my birthday, they took an iconic deck of blue bikes and took the time to write a little inspirational message on every single card in the pack. Including the jokers. I am humbled, grateful and shining.
I’d like to use this inspiration to make a request: write someone an encouraging note. Take paper and pen and take just a moment to tell them how you love them. How they affect your world. It makes a huge difference.
I am truly gifted with my friends Jessica and Joe. They are a part of the real magic I make, they are a reminder to me of the power of giving from the heart.
I’m sitting here, struggling to focus on work that needs to be done, but becoming more and more distracted and anxious.
So … I write.
One of the most horrifying things about living inside of this head is: self sabotage. There are things I know I can do to make myself and the people around me happy, and I watch myself defeating my own plans. I want to drive the people who love me away. Isolate myself. Not because I don’t love them, need them … I DO! I think of these things simply because sometimes my head tries to tell me I don’t deserve them, or (worse yet) that I should push them away because I deserve to be alone and uncared for.
Neither of these things is true, but that’s what I tell myself. Loudly. Repeatedly.
In fact, right now I’m under siege. I have plans. Awesome, soul saving, relationship building plans. I’m struggling really hard to not cancel, pick up a bag and drive somewhere alone, turn off my phone and become unreachable. I’m close to losing.
So … I breathe. And I struggle with my patience. I work on my art and I write. Writing in an effort to not sabotage myself and my loved ones again.
There’s more. There’s HOPE … and I want to write about that, too. And about the amazing emails I’ve been getting and the spectacular people in my life and the verifications and the love.
But sadly right now, I’m too distracted and anxious.
Bear with me? Forgive me?
Let me try to explain: Those of us suffering from various forms and levels of depression aren’t wanting to be sad … We aren’t trying to be sad … We simply are sad.
I hear ‘Happiness is a choice’ quite often, and I don’t argue …. But believe me, if it were only that simple it’s the choice I’d make.
Sadness makes us make horrifying decisions, erodes and even destroys our treasured relationships and isolates us from those whose love and understanding we need the most.
When it is your heart’s desire to create and entertain, to live Art and spread joy …. the sadness can eat at you like cancer on your spirit.
I’m not trying to make any excuses; I’m simply hoping for understanding.